Can it continue as friendship ?


As usual my friend and me were discussing about marriage, love etc ... (Most discussions seem to revolve arnd this in the recent times !) when we were talking about what and how people react when someone proposes and how do u take the relation further . When someone says 'he/she' likes u , thats something which we should appreciate if we are not ready to reciprocate. (by reciprocate I mean getting married etc,.). I find it silly to see people actually turn faces away from that chap/girl. Having been good friends so long , how is it so easy to ignore someone ??. Cant we still be good friends ? Or will it be just a coating ? Will Friendship be a facade ? I still feel its possible to gracefully say 'NO' and continue ..

24 comments:

Gokulakrishnan S said...

hmmmm...

Rams said...

Same pinch...Ppl take extreme positions and notions when it comes to love and behave in such riduculous ways

Anand Prabhu said...

good..one..100% agree

Janani Vasu said...

Good one Meera!True...one more addition -It can still remain friendship if and only if the person who proposes also is in a matured position so as to accept the result, whatever may it be...

Meera said...

Yes janani .. I agree, it should be two way . If one person is eccentric or die hard kind then this might not be practically possible for all ..

Anand Prabhu said...

some more addition in a related post in my blog

nearfar said...

oh well, "pleasure" leads to "attachment". The wise knows that the attached object is transient.

Nyneishia said...

nice post.. sorry abt this long winded answer.. Well staying in the form of relationship is ofcourse a mutual thing.

But stepping back slightly -
How does one say that ok.. this girl/boy is good and I like her/him etc. He is a good friend but i cant accept him/her for a lover or a husband/wife.

Something wrong in that defination is what i feel. Yes you can have tons of friends.. but how is that person any diff from the other good friend :) Accessories and other adjuncts matter.

So the proposal to begin with was refused by a person on some grounds. Well if that reasoning is clear then establishing a friendship or anyother relatioship wont be a problem.

Arvind Sharma said...

I used to have a very similar opinion before until I had an opportunity to talk with ppl who had a different view on this.

From an outsider's perspective, it might seem simple enough to say-"Yes you guys should continue as friends". But for the ppl involved, the whole eqn alters...from that moment every move that the person who has rejected makes, he/she needs to put a filter on to make sure that it doesn't rekindle the other person's desires again.Also I am not sure if the person who proposed will ever be able to let go if he is still completely in touch with his "proposed" one.

nearfar said...

Well, I think I better put it up all clearly ...

Continuing as frienship after (failed) proposal, depends on the emotional state of both the persons involved. For example, that guy who proposed her may not be mature enough to let go of her. Or even though that guy is mature, that girl may not be able to accept him as a good friend, as perhaps she is a bit more emotionally controlled character. In such cases, it is difficult to maintain the same level of friendship.

In a more generic sense, it depends on how much "attached" to your "pleasure" you are. The "pleasure", being a subconscious sexual attraction which manifests itself as the so-called romantic love on the exterior.

When, one understands the by-products of romantic-love clearly and sees that separately from "love", he never really would have hard time letting the other person go, if he/she is not clearly interested.

Hemanth said...

Jis,

From what I understand, looks like it is possible that people who really love each other can sometimes not marry since they would have probably been inhibited from taking the gamble of breaking the relationship by proposing (fearing that the other might refuse).

So what other thing can one do to find out the person's answer without going to the extent of proposing?

(On a lighter note, how many have noticed the expressions on the faces of actors other than Madhavan in Rang De Basanti's "Tu Bin Bataaein" song ? - I was really curious to know what emotions the director has tried to bring out)
- Hemanth

Arunachalam said...

I'd like to differ.

For the person who rejected, it may be easy to continue as a friend.

But for the one who got rejected, it is possible to continue further as a friend, if and only if, he/she has seen it just as an oppurtunity to lead a better life (If you want me to elaborate, it is give it a try, if yes well and good, i'm lucky. if not, i care a damn attitude). Otherwise, had he/she earnestly loved the other person, i'm almost certain, he/she can't continue as friend. He's a loser whose love is not reciprocated and it is pain. The best thing he can do is not to disturb her anymore.

Prasanna SV said...

> I find it silly to see people actually turn faces away from that chap/girl. Having been good friends so long , how is it so easy to ignore someone ??.

Old me wud have said..
Assuming you have really seen someone do this, did u really know that it was a easy take for the one who proposed to leave the friendship? Should one be doing only easy things? At all times u need to make decisions based on what is right and what is wrong and not based on what is easier to do. Right?

Some while ago, the same me:
In the long run, we are all dead..

Now:
Love is not a feeling.. Its a conscious decision that one takes giving one's time and energy and whatever else it takes to make someone/thing (plant, animals) else happy. One part of it (I cudn't separate them) is the romantic love which has some expectations. The other part which is what its supposed to be, makes u cry more often than smile. Its like a penance. It needs immense patience and great maturity to accept things as they are and not judge.

Overall, I don't know what my comments will be for the same post in the future. Essentially among the other points, the point i want to underline is, things keep changing and u won't know that since u will also be involved in it. I didn't feel like commenting on this but, my prime fan requested my comments and I wud be happy to satisfy his requests. The reason i didn't want to comment on this was that only those who have experienced can understand them, and those who have experienced no need to know this! Hence I thought my comments were unwarranted.
Sorry for the "long" comment.

Anand Prabhu said...

@PSV - machaan i liked the old U and now U... hehe..

ellam maayaida....:)

Gokulakrishnan S said...

IMHO, it does take maturity and a lot more from both sides to get the relationship going.

I have seen friends who needed psychiatric help after some grave situations and took time to recover. Apparently they didnt realise relationships were just a few if-and-only-if clauses which need to be remembered. 'Being a friend still' is of the least concern to people whose all energies went into being themselves again. Looking at an emotive issue from a knowledge platform in an opinionated spectator mode talking theoretical constructs is as immature as it can get. Its like wondering why such a simple issue like Kashmir has not been resolved in 50 years in an 8 line blog.

Aside, feel only engineers can carry on such discussions forward diligently in such a cold manner. Dont wanna be one.

vivek desikan said...

@gokul: i agree that a failed relationship can affect a person at several levels; and often resurrecting the relationship itself is not that high on priority compared to resurrecting self.
and if by a 'spectator' you mean a person who doesn't quite empathize with the mental states of the different stakeholders involved in the issue at hand, then i agree that we must resist our urge to theorize things without a complete understanding of the issue and the different levels at which it affects its stakeholders.
however, analysis from a knowledge platform is essential in that it helps prevent the issue from escalating to levels where the damage caused is quite significant.

Gokulakrishnan S said...

My apologies to anyone who perceived any kind of highground being taken in that irate late night post of mine. Honestly felt there were some missing perspectives when I put that post.

Parthiban said...

People, we overlook a lot of details and take ourselves too seriously.
There are two cases.
One, both the persons involved know each other very well - they are friends.
Two, is the love-at-first-sight kind of crap, where each person know about the other's existence, but nothing more than that.
In case of number two, it can be concluded that people are either under-matured or extra-bold and hence it is useless to discuss abt their miseries.
Talking about point number one, which is the main theme of this post, two people can exist in the same degree of relationship irrespective of whether they propose or not. That is my stand.
After all, a proposal among these two persons actually means "hey, I think we seem to be compatible. Shall we go further?". What will be your answer for a question like "shall we go fishing today?". You may say "Sure!" or "Sorry, my cousin is home and I need to give him company". While the fishing question doesn't create a rift between friends, why should the former question craete discomfort? When two people accept each other, that is when they become friends. A proposal doesn't change anything, so there is no need to feel bad about it. Unless you had other thoughts about body, money, etc.

Arunachalam said...

@parthi
Not all questions leave the same impact.
The fishing question can be answered easily even if it is a no, stating all reasons clearly. But that is not the case with a proposal. When you propose and the other person rejects, you will get atleast thousand questions around why you were rejected, what cud be the reason,... You'll start doubting every action of yours, and thereby become restless. Obviously, you can't ask all these questions. Even if you do, not all can be answered clearly. Ultimately, you won't be able to continue in normal terms, though you may pretend to ;-)

Karthik Rathinavelu said...

I have put my comments and my views about the same in my blog ...

chk it out ...

Naresh Chandrasekaran said...

Found this article in today's metro plus (Hyd edition). It talks about when to start thinking about the next step in a relationship. http://www.hindu.com/mp/2006/03/11/stories/2006031102670300.htm

Meera said...

Thats was real good !

Harini.kp said...

@psv. I really liked your comments. Well thought.

Shankar Sridhar said...

Hmm.. yes. A graceful "NO" and continuation of f'ship is definitely possible but it all depends on the maturity of the two. But its really bad to ignore a person whom you have been friend for so long time!